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The Blacklion Magical Mystery Show

'I am the Walrus' is a song written by John Lennon in 1967. It was used in the Beatles Christmas 1967 TV film and also features in their album called Magical Mystery Tour. (The walrus appeared in Lewis Carroll's 'Through the Looking Glass'.

There are pages and pages about all this on www.wikipedia.org - but did anyone dream of Wikipedia in 1967 when even the digital watch didn't exist ? Yet, what the Beatles produced was a startling creation. So it was only natural that some of this - as well as Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band - should find its way into the pantomime put on at St. Augustine's, Blacklion in February 1968.

Maybe you were there ? Maybe you can remember it ? Maybe you were 8 years old in 68 ? Here's a bit of background, because I have recently unearthed the script. What else should I do with it after 40 years ?

(What's that you said ? Oh, no I won't.)

In the winter of 1967 Britain was ravaged by the scourge of foot'n'mouth disease. Since I came from Birmingham, and many of the other White Fathers' students came from various parts of Britain, we were ALL obliged, quite rightly, to be quarantined in Dublin for a minimum of three weeks. This happened when we returned from our Christmas holidays in early January.

By the end of January '68, at the earliest, we were allowed to travel up to rural Cavan. I recall that about half of the students stayed at the WF house in Templeogue, Dublin, while the others were lodged in several homes in the neighbourhood. So eventually, the time arrived for the panto.

I had spent much of the Christmas holidays searching for and looking at some dismal script, but acknowledgement is due there.' It wasn't much. But, the Robber Chief was rechristened 'Ben Baloni' and I made him speak in rhymes. Then I concocted three songs for (mostly) Beatles' tunes and with our marvellous pianist, Robin Russell, we produced the Blacklion Magical Mystery Show - also known as - 'Alibaba and the Forty Naughty Thieves'.

Great credit still goes out to the crew who created costumes and props out of thin air, to the lighting supervisor who used ultraviolet lamps to illuminate the scary wizard 's cave, and to all those guys who learnt off crazy lines and rhymes ! Ooh Goo Goo Joob ! If you would like to see the script you see it below.

With best wishes to all in February 2008, Robbie Dempsey






Presenting: for probably only one performance

THE BLACKLION MAGICAL MYSTERY SHOW

With subtitles …

e.g….. Alibaba and the Forty Thieves

or……  Natty Ali and the Crime Squad

 

… AND OF COURSE

   PATHE NEWS.

Produced:  by JACK THE AUTHOR

Who said to the kids

“Hi! Don’t turn to crime

when you haven’t a dime

never let it be said

that crime ever paid…”

who said to the press ….

“God bless!

I thought it would never end

Spending so much time

Being driven round the bend

Marking this pantomime rhyme.”        





ALIBABA AND THE FORTY NAUGHTY THIEVES

CHARACTERS

Mr. Alibaba (a woodcutter)

Hugh McCafferty

Mrs Alibaba (his wife)

Maurice Billingsley.

Kemal (their son)

M. Harkins

Morgiana (their slave girl)

Lawrence McFadden

Cassim (Ali’s brother)

Tony.

Ben Baloni (robber chief)

Seamus McShane

Mrs Cassim (wife of Casssim)

Eddie Martin

7 thieves (or forty)

Hugh McVey

Mick McQuaide

Pat MacDermott

George Jason

Phil Mason

Brian Connolly

Paul Chow

The two Magic Bonzo Bats (keepers of the cave)

Donald  and  Owen

The Wizard of the cave

Gus Derry

Cobbler

 

Tradesmen

Merchants

Dancing girls

Ladies and Gentlemen

Communists

Other People:

 


COSTUMES & MAKE UP……….

Quentin  Lowe

DIRECTOR OF CHILDREN…..

Dick Kinlen

PROPERTY ……….

Chris Wallbank  and  Andy Murphy

CHOREOGRAPHY

Pat Macdermott

LIGHTING

Tony Smyth

SCENERY

Joe Reilly

MUSIC

Robin. Russell

DIRECTOR

Yours truly


ALIBABA AND THE FORTY THIEVES

ACT ONE

A street somewhere in Khaladan, a suburb somewhere in Baghdad, a city somewhere in Persia.

CHORUS BY TRADESMEN

(Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band )

One hundred years ago today,

In a land that’s very far away,

Alibaba had a big surprise,

He could hardly believe his eyes,

When he found to his greatest pleasure,

A golden cave of treasure,

Of Ben Baloni’s Naughty Forty Thieves.

The tale of Alibaba and the Forty Thieves

We hope you will enjoy the show,

And Ben Baloni’s Naughty, Ben Baloni’s Naughty,

Ben Baloni’s Naughty Forty Thieves.

It’s wonderful to be here,

We certainly are thrilled,

We’ve really come from Khaladan

In case you’d all be killed.

We don’t really want to stop the show

But we thought you might like to know,

When Ali saw so much money

He knew there was something funny,

So let me tell the tale to you

Of the one and only Alibaba,

With Ben Baloni’s, Naughty Forty Thieves.

CHORUS BY TRADESMEN:

One :

Petticoats, sago, sandals, spices

Cauliflower, bedspreads, socks and ices,

Second-hand cheese at bargain prices.

Two :

Dates, garlic, Turkish delight, olive oil, bananas, gherkins!

Three :

Chocolates, peanuts, ice-cream, candy!

                              (Enter Mrs Ali.)

Four :

Flowers, Mrs A?



Mrs Ali :

Go Away.

Four :

Oh very well.

Five :

Elastic?

Mrs A :

Elastic? No thank you.

Cobbler :

Sandal straps, souls to mend.  Don’t be like that Mrs A. It’s a lovely afternoon.

Chorus :

Good afternoon Mrs A.

Mrs A :

Eh? Since when have you taken to abbreviating my name?  Mrs Selima Ali Baba to you.

Chorus :

Good afternoon Mrs Ali Baba (one voice Baa, Baa.)

Mrs A :

That’s quite enough of those animal noises.  We’re not at Dublin Zoo now.  And I think you might refrain from singing outside my house at a time like this.

Cobbler :

Why didn’t you join in?

Mrs A :

There’s no canary blood in me, even if I were in the mood.

Cobbler :

Singing is good for you.

Mrs A :

So is Guinness.

Cobbler :

Yes it helps you forget your troubles.

Mrs A :

Ah, so you’ve heard about my troubles have you?

One :

We haven’t heard anything yet.

Mrs A :

Then it’s quite time you did.  Listen …….it’s a domestic tragedy.  The Alibabas have gone stoney broke.

One :

We’re awfully sorry to hear it.

Mrs A :

Well, don’t worry.  Dry your eyes. Blow your noses and get your half crowns ready.  I shall be coming round with the hat presently.

One :

We’ll do what we can for you.

Two :

What are we going to do?

Mrs A :

I’ve thought it all out and I’ve borrowed a money-box.  Maybe some of you kind people would like to do a little collecting for the R.S.P.C.A.

One :

But that won’t help you.




Mrs A :

Oh yes it will.  It’s in aid of us.  R.S.P.C.A.- Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Alibabas.

(Chorus laughs and passes money-box around.)

All we need is enough money to pay the rent.  You may not believe it, but Ali was once a successful timber merchant.  Now he’s reduced to chopping wood in the forest – a common woodpecker – woodcutter.  (Box is returned to her).  My dears, how can I thank you?

One :

Don’t mention it.

Mrs A :

You couldn’t have contributed to a more deserving charity.  – Just one other little thing – (Disappears and returns with huge money-box) – I wonder if you wouldn’t mind going round your richer friends. (One takes the box).

(All laugh and exeunt) with merchandise

Mrs A :

What it is to have nice friends.

(Opens the box, examines the coin, bites it)

That’s a dud…..

What it is to have nice kind friends

Enter Morgiana)

Mrs A :

Have you had any luck?

Morgiana :

I’ve been to all the local tradesmen, but it’s no good.  They won’t give you any more credit.

Mrs A :

Never mind dear, - I was just thinking that I hadn’t a bean in the world, when all of a sudden (she throws up the beans and lets them fall on her head) – it rains beans.

Morgiana :

Where on earth did you get those from?

Mrs A :

They were given to me by the kind citizens of Bagdad in response to my moving appeal for help.

Morgiana :

They’re no use.

Mrs A :

I quite agreed.  They wouldn’t even make a bowl of soup without a lot of persuasion.

Morgiana :

I think it’s a dirty trick to play on you.  The joke is in very bad taste.

Mrs A :

(Smelling the beans). So would the soup be, I should think.  Anyway it serves me right for begging. But I don’t know what we’re going to do, Morgiana. There’s poor old Ali and your sweetheart, Kemal, slaving away in the forest chopping wood and firewood doesn’t sell like it used to. 




Morgiana :

Take this purse dear, it contains all my savings.  Please – for Kemal’s sake.  I love him dearly, and I can’t forget you are his mother.

Mrs A :

Oh, nonsense child.  What would Ali say if he knew his slave girl had given all her savings to me.  But he’ll never know.  You’re a good girl and Kemal will be a lucky boy if he gets you for a wife.

(Enter Kemal -  Right)

Morgiana :

Ah, my handsome Kemal.  You’re back early from the forest.

Kemal :

Ah, my little Morgy Porgy! Yes, darling – early closing for us.  Dad and I took the day off.  It’s hard work chopping down trees for a living – and so little to show for it.  Morgy, (taking her hands), if I were a rich man would you still want to marry me?

Morgiana :

Of course, darling.  You’ll be rich some day – wait and see.

Kemal :

Well, I am going to be rich (feeling in his pockets.) but not some day – right now.  I’ve got a little surprise for you, my pet.  Open your bright eyes and close your ruby mouth and take a peep at this. (produces a gold coin).

Morgiana :

It’s a piece of gold!  Where did you get it?  Real solid gold!

Alibaba :

(Off)Kemal, give us a hand with these sacks.

Kemal :

There’s father.  He’ll explain.

Alibaba :

Come on, - jump to it, lad! (right)(struggles on with two large sacks).

Kemal – Morgiana and Madam, - this is our lucky day, right enough.  No more chopping wood for a living.  No more getting up at five in the morning.  No more going without breakfast.

Mrs A:

What are you talking about?

Kemal :

We’ll show the neighbours a bit of high life, eh? (receiving a smack)

Mrs A :

When you’ve quite finished, what’s all this mess doing in front of the house?

Alibaba :

Mess!  That’s a good one!  I bring home the swag and she calls it a mess!

Morgiana :

The swag?

Alibaba :

Yes, the dough.

Mrs A :

The dough?

Alibaba :

Yes – that’s it, the loot.

Kemal :

The money

Alibaba :

The wherewithal to pay our debts and make us rich.




Mrs A :

Goodness gracious me! (examining a sack.  Where did all this come from?

Alibaba :

(Looking around)  It’s a long story!

Mrs A :

Then cut it short.

Alibaba :

I’ll tell it in my own time or not at all.  (Longwindedly) It was like this.  Kemal and I goes off to the forest to a part where we’ve never been before, see?  And just as we takes our coats off to start work we hears voices. “Kemal,” I says, whispering, “Robbers!” and Kemal goes as white as a sheet.

Kemal :

No, I didn’t!

Àlibaba :

Yes, you did.  He shins up a tree and I follows him.

Mrs A :

Yes, yes.  What’s the gold?

Alibaba :

There we were – hanging on by our eyebrows, when along comes this fierce looking bloke who stops in front of a big rock.  Well, what do you think he says?

Mrs A :

Yes, yes!

Alibaba :

No, he didn’t.  He says in a loud and boldike tone but very fierce:  “Open Sesame!”

Morgiana :

“Open” what?

Alibaba :

“Open” – you ‘eard.  Then all of a sudden the rock splits open, then all these blokes walk in – and Kemal and I, hanging upside down on the trees with our eyes popping out with bewonderment!

Mrs A :

Well, I never!

Alibaba :

Never mind about you, what about us?  Well, the rock opened up again and out they all comes armed to the teeth – forty of them.  Someone shouts “Close Sesame”, the rock shuts and they all march off.  Of course “Open Sesame” is all we wants to know; and lo and behold there we are inside a robbers’ den.

Kemal :

A huge cave of gold, bags of money, cases of jewelry, bales of silk, ladies;’ fur coats, glass ware, men’s wear, and a couple of skeletons!

Morgiana :

Didn’t they frighten you?

Alibaba :

No – they never said a word, the whole time.  We helped ourselves to a little of the small change, which you see here in them sacks.

Mrs A :

But we can’t keep it.  It’s tainted!

Alibaba :

Tainted?

Mrs A:

Yes, ‘Tain’t ours and ‘tain’t yours.

Re-enter thieves with larger box and beans




Alibaba :

No and ‘tain’t theirs either.  We’re not going to keep it – we’re going to spend it.  What we’ve got to keep is the secret of the robbers’s cave.  Not a word to Cassim and his wife, or the fat will be in the fire.  Look I’ve borrowed their measure:  you, my dear and Morgiana can have the pleasure of counting the gold.  I will stand outside the house and keep guard.  (exeunt rest with sacks, return for the song.) In fact, I’ll sing a song to keep the neighbours away! 

ALI’S SONG WITH CHORUS –

(to the tune of The Boston Burglar)

I was working in the forest one bright and sunny day,

When forty robbers came in sight, I hid myself away,

The secret of their golden hoard they soon revealed to me,

For the words to open up the cave were “Open Sesame”.

Now we are so happy (that) we dance so merrily

‘Cos Ali knows the secret words are “Open Sesame”;

Oh, he’s a bold adventurer I’m sure you will agree,

And all because of overhearing “Open Sesame”.

Now when the thieves departed I crept towards their store

For I was rather short of cash and badly needed more …..

I said the magic formula and right before my eyes,

There was sacks of gold and precious stones of every shape and size.

I entered in and took my fill delighted with my quest,

So now I’m fairly affluent and mean to take a rest …

But if I see the forty thieves I won’t be very brave,

But what could I do with all that gold inside the magic cave ..?

(Exeunt) House and off

Left :

(Mrs Cassim creeps on with her husband strolling along)

Cassim :

Have you hurt yourself, my dear?

Mrs C :

(Whispers) No.

Cassim :

Then why are you walking like this --- (Imitating her)

Mrs C :

I’m trying not to make a noise.

Cassim :

Why? Is this a silent picture or are we too near the microphone?

Mrs C :

Did I not tell you I had a nose?  There is something fishy going on in there. (Pointing to house).

Cassim :

Are they having shrimp tea, or something?

Mrs C :

I passed Alibaba on the way home.  I didn’t like the look of his bags.




Cassim :

We must tell him to get a new pair.

Mrs C :

I mean the bags he was carrying!

Cassim :

You mean to say he wasn’t wearing his – oh! I see.

Mrs C :

He didn’t tell me what was inside them, but he asked me for a loan of our measure.  He said he wanted to measure his corn.

Cassim :

What a fool!  What good does he think he’s going to do by measuring his corn?  It would be just as painful afterwards.

Mrs C :

You’re hopeless! He’s borrowed our measure for weighting corn – grain = wheat – barley – oats and -

Cassim :

Spaghetti!

Mrs C :

No, not spaghetti.

Cassim :

You’d want a tape measure for that!

Mrs C :

Anyway, listen, I put some wax in the bottom of the measure, so we’ll soon know what they are measuring.  Whatever goes into the measure will leave traces in the wax.

(Alibaba heard off).  Sh ---

Alibaba :

Ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty thousand pou-   Oh!

Mrs C :

You look very pleased with yourself.

Alibaba :

(From house) Y-yes, I-it’s my birthday!  I was just counting my presents (on fingers)

Mrs C :

(As Ali exits) Or were you just measuring them?  (Enter Mrs A. etc. from House)

Hello there!  Have you finished with my measure?

Mrs A :

I’ll just clean it out for you, if you’ll just wait a moment -

Mrs C :

(Snatching the measure) You needn’t bother (Comic business) …

Cassim :

(Snatching the measure) Ha, ha, a piece of gold in the bottom of the measure.  Gold!  So your corn was golden corn?

Mrs C :

Well!  I might have known.  (To Mrs A.) You pretend to be poor and needy behaving like a beggar, and yet you have so much gold and so much money that you have to measure it!



Cassim :

(Knocking on Ali’s door;  enter Ali)  Have a look at this gold coin.  (Anger boiling up)  My wife found it stuck to her bottom – I mean your wife’s bottom – I mean my wife’s measure which your wife borrowed.

(contd.)  I want to know everything, Ali, everything, everything!

Alibaba :

There’s no need to bawl.

Cassim :

If you do not tell me I shall lay information against you in court.

Alibaba

Well OUT of good nature, NOT because of your threats-

Mrs A :

Keep quiet, Ali! You’ve got a nerve!

Kemal

You’ve got a neck!

Alibaba :

You’ve got a nose!

Morgiana :

You’ve got a cheek!

Alibaba :

You’ve got us whacked.  Here’s the story then.  The gold came from a cave in the forest.  I discovered it by the big rock.  There’s enough gold there to buy the whole of Baghdad down to the last stray cat.

Cassim :

Hmm!  Well, how do I get into this cave?  (Sh-, Sh-, Sh-,etc.)

Alibaba :

Well, that’s easy but …er …… strange there’s a password.  OpenSesame ….understand?

Cassim :

If you’re lying Ali …(grimaces) ….I’ll go and see for myself.

Mrs A :

Don’t be rash, Cassim, we’ve got plenty for all as it is now.

Cassim :

I know what I’m doing.  I’ll go tomorrow.

(Exeunt)

CURTAIN




ACT TWO


Scene One: THE MAGIC CAVE

(Curtain rises on the dark stage with Danse Macabre playing and then…

 

 Enter the magic Bonzo Bats)

   (flying about and scare everyone to death)

We are the Bonzo Bat men, the magical Bonzo Bat men

We watch the robbers’ den with the greatest of pleasure,

We are the Bonzo Bats and keep all the catalogues

Of all these sacks and every box of treasure.

Chorus :

If you know the magic formula, your situation’s grave,

‘Cos look out everybody,

“There’s danger in the cave.”  (said by:  Magic Wizard who creeps in and out ) 

 

If you want accommodation, here’s an invitation,

To make a reservation at this luxury hotel.

But surely it’s clear you’re trespassing here,

What will happen in the end we cannot tell.

Chorus.

Here inside the magic vault, you will only see assault,

When something is at fault, but you know I suppose

If you are a stranger, then you are in danger,

With the height of discomfort right under your nose

Chorus

We’ve got everything you need, satisfaction guaranteed,

And we always succeed, in fulfilling your requirement,

So we beg you to spend a refreshing weekend,

Before you must face your retirement.

Chorus

First :

I’m tired of this silly old cave.

Second :

So am I.  Let’s run away.

First :

Let’s go on strike.

Second :

Let’s give in our notice.




First :

What are you talking about?

Second :

Why don’t you talk sense?

Fist:

After all, we are the magic Bonzo Bats of Ben Baloni’s treasure cave, aren’t we?  It’s no good having a magic cave if you don’t have a terrible dragon inside, or a few evil spirits about.

Second :

Eh?  We’re not dragons!

First :

Well, what would you do if – if we had a visitor?  Fine guard you’d make!  Supposing somebody comes snooping around – why, only yesterday I found you fast asleep while it was your watch:  snoozing away, not a care in the world!

Second :

Oh, come on we never see anybody new.  Always the same old robbers walking in and shouting “Open Sesame”: it’s about time they learnt something else.

First :

Sh-!  You’re not supposed to say those words, the door might open.

Second :

Well, what’s wrong with that?  Why, only the other day I went through there for a walk in the forest, and -

First :

What!  You know our orders – no going outside.

Second :

I had special leave. Master thought I looked a bit scraggy and told me to get some air.

First :

Cor!  (Then examines the scragginess, laughs)

Second :

Anyway, I met a fairy!

First :

What was she doing?

Second :

Standing on one leg on top of a toadstool – like this – (etc.) Why?  Because there wasn’t mush room!

First :

What did she look like?

Second :

She had a little white skirt on which stuck out all round.

First :

Very draughty, I should think.  What else?

Second :

She had pink cheeks and yellow hair – and – and – she looked ever so nice.

First :

Did you speak to her?

Second :

Yeah, I said: “Good afternoon, nice day, isn’t it?”  But she gave me such a look, and when I went closer, she jumped off and disappeared.

First :

I’m not surprised; your face is enough to frighten anybody.




Second :

I’ll get you for that!  (Comic business) (Enter the Wizard)  Look out! Here’s the Wizard of the cave!

Wizard :

What’s going on here?  What are you rascals up to now?

First :

We were just playing, boss, honest.

Second :

Didn’t mean any trouble, boss, honest.

Wizard :

You nasty flea-ridden scoundrels, horse playing, you mean!  I’ll have you changed into horses then all your play will be horse play, whether you like it or not.  Back to work, you impudent bats and don’t forget that I am paying you good wages to be keepers of the cave.

Cassim :

Wizard :

Cassim :

(Off)  Ash, this looks like the place.  Very cleverly hidden.  Hmmm!

That is not the voice of my tenant, the Robber Captain. Who can it be ?

To your posts, quick! ( they all hide).

Well, here goes.   Open Sesame !    (The cave opens and he enters.)

Shut Sesame !    ( after a while, a bat timidly grabs Cassim by his ankle,

And the other bat screeches. Wizard emerges and clears them off).

Wizard :

(Clearing his throat)  Can I get you anything?

Cassim :

(Nervously) N-No thanks.  I-I’m just having a look around.  Are you the – er – occupier?

Wizard :

I am the landlord of this – desirable residence.

Cassim :

I – I thought I might find it empty.

Wizard :

There are still a few vacancies.  Did you wish to stay long?

Cassim :

No, I don’t think I’ll stay any longer if there is somebody else here.

Wizard :

There is a party of forty gentlemen occupying the right wing, but they are, most of the day, busy at work.

Cassim :

(Aside)  Alibaba never said anything about them.  Who are these gentlemen?

Wizard :

They are – collectors, I believe.  They have quite a lot of art treasures. You can see the Museum through there, if you’re interested.

Cassim :

Thank you I will.

 

Wizard :

And this way for the Bullion and Cutlery Departments, or straight through the swing doors for the Crown Jewels of Persia.  Visitors are requested to leave all valuables with the attendant. (Extends hand).  (Cassim tips him and exits).

Simpleton!  I’ll teach him to put his nose inside my property.  The robbers will catch him!  Ha, ha!  They will hang him and draw him and quarter him …. And hang him and draw him and quarter him!  And then I shall go up to him and say:  “Well, now, and how do you like your new quarters?”  Ha, ha, ha!  (Stops when he hears Baloni outside)  My tenants are returning.  It’s time to disappear.(Exit).

Baloni :

(Baloni ,Off)  Open Sesame!  (He enters with thieves and sacks of loot) (Wickedly) Shut Sesame! (Ticks off the thieves)     (Always talks in rhyme)

My name is Ben Baloni and I’m running this show

You’ll do exactly what I say,

I’ve a band of forty brigands – they’re a little bit slow,

But used to killing people every day…

(robbers muttering) Quiet! Slaves!

Answer your names smartly … or you’ll answer for it shortly!  Just a moment, I smell a rat …. Indeed, I think I have at that.

Cassim :

(Enters still admiring the cave)  Oh, er – I am sorry.  I – I – I, oh!

Baloni :

Come forward, O honoured and unexpected guest, Surely, your not here at our request?

Cassim :

Er – no, that is, I-

Baloni :

How, sir, did you get in here?

Cassim :

I was just h-having a look around.  (Runs to the door.) Open Barley!  Open Wheat!  Open I say! Open Sesa—(Robbers draw swords) Oh, do not kill me.  I mean no harm.  I am not here to steal.

Baloni :

Oh, no, sir you are not a crook...you only came to have a look.

Lying knave, have you no shame...tell me, villain, what’s your name?

Who, sir, are you that dare invade our secret precincts, and to raid

The lawful proceeds of our trade, by hard and honest labour made?

Cassim :

My name is Cassim, sir, I mean no harm.  I am a humble merchant.

Robbers :

Tear him apart!  Make him scream, let him shout.

Burn the dog! Let us cut his inside out.

Cassim, curse ‘im, curse ‘im, Cassim.

Slay him, knife him, drown him, starve him!




Baloni :

Tell me now, you snivelling knave, …how did you learn to enter the cave?

Out with it, or you understand,  I’ll have you buried in the sand.

Cassim :

No! No!   Mercy! Mercy!

Baloni :

No?  Right.  Well, that’s that I guess

He’s yours, men and don’t leave a mess.

I don’t really like being cruel,

But there’s only one way to treat a fool.

Robbers :

Strangle the villain!  String him up on the nearest  height.

Kill the wretch!  Carve him into a hideous sight.  (Screams and gurgles).

Cassim, curse ‘im, curse ‘im, Cassim,

Slay him knife him, drown him, starve him!

Baloni :

Leave him rot in his golden tomb…..(Going) Open Sesame!

And any intruders will know their doom.

Shut Sesame!

(Laughs and exeunt)

CURTAIN



ACT TWO



SCENE TWO : A STREET IN BAGHDAD

(Dark Stage – enter Ali in night dress.)

(Morgiana enters with a  blind-folded cobbler, leads him round a bit and then removes the blind-fold.)

Morgiana :

Thank you kindly, sir.  You don’t know how grateful we are.  Here’s the money.

Cobbler

Think nothing of it, dear lady. I am feeling a bit giddy but I think that is because of your beauty.

Morgiana :

I am sorry I had to bind your eyes, but it is very important that you don’t know where I live.

Cobbler:

I usually go into these things with my eyes open but, well, anything for a change.

(Enter Ali)

Morgiana : 

Master, I have succeeded in getting the cobbler to sow poor Casim’s body together again. I have bribed him to keep quiet and I told hm to spread the word around that Cassim died of a disease.

Ali:

Oh Morgiana you are wonderful, but I am frightened.  I am sure the thieves will find us out.

Morgiana :

I do not think so, master.  If Cassim did tell the thieves that it was you who told him of the secret cave, they would have come a long time ago.  Now let us return and prepare for the funeral.

Exit Ali.  Morgiana hides and two stupid looking thieves approach cobbler with money.)

(Cobbler points to Ali’s door.  Thieves chalk a cross on it and exeunt.  Morgiana then hands cobbler another bag of money and marks all the doors and exits.  Thieves return with Baloni.)


Baloni :

I’m sure you’re absolutely thick,
Look at those doors, who’s played this trick,
You snivelling curs, you stupid nits,
Men, chop them into little bits.

(A slapdash fight with pies, custard and two screams.  Use buckets – to drown the kids !!)

Sometimes I think they haven’t a clue,
And I might as well be at the zoo,
And we’ll soon be bankrupt inside a week,
Some pilfering wretch has a nosy beak.

Ah, Mr. Cobbler, I believe you’re selling,
Certain information about a dwelling
Perhaps you had better remember fast,
The house of the person who employed you last.

(Produces bag of money)

Cobbler:

Yes, Sir.  Certainly, Sir.  Er... The red door.

Baloni :

Mr. Cobbler, Allah be praised, at last our goal,
I hope heel look after your sole !!

(CURTAIN)



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE : A room in Ali’s

Kemal :

Father, I have established the stranger in the best guest room, and two slaves to attend him.

Alibaba :

(Waves to Morgiana)

So now we’re in the bed and breakfast business!

Mrs Ali:

Well, he must be very wealthy, out there in the courtyard there’s a retinue of servants big enough for the Caliph of Baghdad.

Morgiana :

I hope our hospitality will satisfy him.

Mrs Ali:

Of course it will, didn’t your master buy another dozen slaves only yesterday? – Great vats of wine and mountains of fruit!

Kemal :

Besides, our Morgiana is equal to any situation.  I think we can trust her to see to our distinguished guest.

Mrs Ali:

Remember I saw him first, if there are any tips left under the plates, they’re mine.

Kemal :

Tips! Oh, mother, be quiet.  They are so common.

Mrs Ali:

Common!  Well!

Alibaba

Shush.  Remember we are rich, too.  When he saw us he greeted us as though we were royalty.  Seemed a bit funny.  What did he say his name was?

Mrs Ali:

Go and ask him in, Kemal, it’s discourteous to keep him waiting.

Kemal :

He’s in the courtyard now giving instructions to his men.  I’ll go and call him.

(Exit.  Mrs A. anxiously pats her hair.)

Alibaba :

You’re looking quite lovely, dear, a flower of forbearance!  The scented oils are heated well – it brings out the smell.

Mrs Ali:

The aroma! Hush, here’s our guest

(enter Kemal and Baloni disguised.)

Kemal :

The Lord Shadrach Shahaza’muha, Sultan of Jam.




Alibaba :

That’s a bit sticky to say.

(B.B. bows to Ali, kissed the hand of Morgiana.  Mrs A. coughs with extend hand.  B. takes it and slips off a ring.   Pockets anything else around too from treasure of cave.)

Baloni :

Greetings O Lordly ones !  May the shadow of the palm tree rest ever on your dwelling !

Alibaba :

I suppose he’s talking to us.  What was that about the Palm tree?

Baloni :

(Bowing, but  dropping his moustache)  May its shadow rest ever on your dwelling.

Alibaba :

Very nice, but I like a bit of sunshine now and again.

Baloni :

Sir, I don’t know how I can requite
Your hospitality tonight.
I’m honoured indeed to be your guest.
I hope our behaviour is at its best. (chuckles)


If it had not been for your comfortable abode
We would now be sleeping by the road.
I am an oil merchant as you can see -
From all the jars I’ve brought with me.


A commercial traveller, you might say,
I only sell to those who pay.

Mrs Ali:

You are an honoured guest indeed, sir, we are going to have a party in a minute;  we do hope you will join us.

Alibaba :

That’s right, sir, we feel obliged to see that you’re okay for the night.  And your oil jars will be fine in the stables.

Baloni :

(aside)

These simple fools, how easily caught!
It’s turned out easier than I thought
And little do they realize
I’ve planned a really big surprise.

Alibaba :

Eh,- my wife and I didn’t quite catch your name ...Mr.?

Baloni :

Shadrach Shahaza’muha.

Mrs Ali :

Ah, well, Shaddy, shall we go and mix the cocktails?

Alibaba :

Yes.  Your welcome Mr. Shell er, Castrol er, Shadmush.  Slaves bring in the drinks. Health to the Lord Goldfinger er, may his oil wells never run dry.

Baloni :

To Alibaba!  And may the source of his wealth never give out.



Mrs Ali:

Oh, well here’s mud in your eye!

Baloni :

Let us now drink to absent friends.

Mrs Ali :

How thoughtful of you, Mr. Shahaza’muha, I suppose a distinguished oil merchant like you has lots of friends?  Business friends?

Baloni :

I have thirty-eight of the best.  But at the moment they are all in oil (chuckles)

Alibaba :

I don’t see anything funny in that, do you, Kemal?

Mrs Ali:

We should all like to meet them.

Baloni :

You shall be introduced to them – presently. (chuckles)

Baloni :

You shall be introduced to them – presently. (Chuckles)

Alibaba :

(Nudging etc.) D’you know what he’s laughing at?

Mrs Ali:

I’m afraid your friends will be late for the entertainment we have arranged.

Baloni :

I can assure you, that without a doubt
My friends will entertain you, before the evening’s out.

Alibaba :

Come now let’s have some singing to welcome our guest.

Baloni :

Just a moment, friends, I won’t be long
I’ll go and see that nothing’s wrong.
You understand, with my finance
I can’t afford to take a chance. (Exit.)

Mrs Ali :

Qh, well, I’d better get into something striking for when he comes back.  Now I wonder which will impress him most – the purple striped satin with the peacock feathers, or the emerald green silk?

Alibaba :

I should think either would knock him flat.



ACT THREE



SCENE TWO : The Courtyard (dark stage)

(Starts with robber’s song.

Phrases of the song are sung by 3 robbers (a, b, c) hiding in and popping up

out of large jars (d indicates everyone, i.e. all 7 thieves.

 Tune ‘I am the Walrus’)

Robber’s Song :

(a)   I am here     (b)   and he is here    (c)  and they are here
(d)  And we are all together.
(a)  See all the beer,  (b) filled up to here,  (c) see how we’re sozzled
(a) I’m soaking
(d) Lots of lovely Guinness dripping from a Persian pot,
Alcoholic bandit, sitting in an oil jar, waiting for the time to come
and for the whistle to blow

We are the bad men, we are the bandits,

 I am the Vampire,   Goo Goo , Goo Joob.

(B.B. walking between several jars filled with thieves)

Baloni :

Answer your names smartly ... or you’ll answer for it shortly.
Pilfering Pete ...(bobs up and answers) ...Here, Captain
Lousy Louis ...(Your Truly)
Burglar Bill ...(O.K. Governor)
Thieving Theobald ...(That’s me Baby)
Crooked Charlie ...(‘Hallo)
Wily Wilfrid ...(All present and correct)
Slippery Sid ...(Yeah, Boss)


All present – yes – but not correct
Stand up and show a bit of self-respect.
Have you ever seen a collection ...more in need of a little correction?
You’ll stay at your posts without a sound
And woe betide if you are found.
Now you, have you enough room in there?
’Cos if you haven’t I couldn’t care.
Do you all know what to do?

Robbers :

(Moan and groan, say No.)

Robber:

I keep telling them, sir, but it goes in one jar and out the other.

 

Baloni :

Listen you half-wits,
When you hear me whistle, the party’s begun
Rush into the room and start the fun.
Kill Alibaba – and anyone else if they interfere.
Now keep down low, and I hope that’s clear.

Robbers :

Yippee!

Baloni :

Shut up!

(Exit.  Yawns from the jars.  Enter the Bonzo Bats and hide).

(Enter Morgiana and slave girl)

Morgiana :

Is the cooking oil heated?

Slave :

Yes, lady.

Morgiana :

Fill this with oil for the lamps.

Slave :

Yes, lady.

Morgiana :

Fill this one with warm scented oil for our guest’s bath.

Slave :

Yes, lady

Morgiana :

(Hearing snores) Oh, dear.  Those horses are noisy creatures – they must be very tired.

Slave :

Lady, there’s no oil for the lamps left.

Morgiana :

None!  Don’t be silly!  With a great oil merchant staying at the house and all those jars of oil!  I’m sure he wouldn’t miss a drop.  (Opens a jar and up bobs a robber, and another)  Good gracious!  Men hiding in the oil.

Robbers :

Is it time, captain?  Captain, is it time?

Morgiana :

More of them!  And one in every jar.  The slaves of the so-called oil merchant.  Forty!  The forty thieves of the cave!  And Ben Baloni, their captain!  Quick!  What’s in those buckets?

Slave :

Some sort of oily mess, lady.

Morgiana :

Well, we’ll give them oil!  Bring it over here and pour it into all these jars.  Perhaps this will give them something to dream about.  There’s a drop for you, and a drop for you. (Groans and squeals)  Sounds as if I’ve given them all a nasty jar.

Slave :

It’s all finished now, lady.  Let’s go before the captain comes back. (Exeunt)

Kemal :

(Entering, examining the barrels) (Snores, etc.)

Those horses are very noisy – I say, who’s pinched all the Guinness?

 Well, not even a drop!  I’ll see about this. (Exits)

The Robbers’ Song (Again ?)



ACT 3


SCENE THREE (As One)

Morgiana :

(Among guests and laughter)  Kemal, I want you to promise me something.

Kemal :

You know I would promise you anything in the world, dear Morgy, what is it?

Morgiana :

I want you to promise me that I will be asked to dance at this feast tonight.

Kemal :

Why, yes, that’s an easy promise.  You dance so beautifully.  But why this special request?

Morgiana :

Don’t ask me now – can’t tell you.  Someone might be listening, and I am afraid for you.

Kemal :

Silly little Morgiana!  Always imagining things!  You mustn’t be afraid of anything while you have my love to protect you.

(Baloni starts mess about with Morgiana)  Hands off my girl!

Baloni :

And who are you, Puppy?

Kemal :

I’ll not stand for that!  I’ll show you.  Put ‘em up!

Alibaba :

(arriving drunk in time to be hit)  What’s it all about?

Mrs Ali:

Sit down Ali.  You’ve done quite enough already.  Learn to control that tongue of yours and you wouldn’t be fighting.

Alibaba :

Who’s running this show, you or me?

Mrs Ali:

I’ve done all the work.

Alibaba :

Yes, and I’ve done all the talking so there.  More wine, Mr. – Goldfinger?

Mrs Ali:

His name’s Shadrach, I keep telling you.

Alibaba :

Well, I’ve got no objections, I’m sure.  Here you are Mr. Cornflakes.  Hey, isn’t it my turn to sing a song?  (Stands and begins but Baloni blows a whistle)  I say, that’s not the first note, Mr. Paraffin.

Baloni :

Oh, I’m sure you sing very sweetly,
but the party’s over for you – completely!

Alibaba :

Cheer up old man and have a drink.

Mrs Ali:

Ali, stop whistling and entertain the guests properly.  Is anything wrong, Mr. Shadrach?

Baloni :

I – er think my oil shares have just slumped on the market.


(Alibaba stands and again begins his song)

Kemal :

(Interrupting)  Let’s have Morgiana dance for us!

Mrs Ali:

Here, here!  A dance, Morgy darling.

Morgiana :

The dagger dance!

Kemal :

Yes, the Khaladan Karate-dagger Dance!

Alibaba :

A wild delirious dance of daring dervish derivation!

(Morgiana and slaves dance.  Baloni tries to sneak out but is pulled back by Alibaba.  Morgiana stabs Baloni who blows whistle.  All the Robbers stagger in drunk, singing and fighting, and are chased out by the Bonzo Bats ...exeunt)  (All stare in horror)
Morgiana!  What have you done?  You’re mad.  You’ve killed Mr. Schil-Shaard-Saza-

Morgiana : 

I have killed not Mr. Shadrach Shahaza’muha, but the leader of the forty thieves.
(Removes his moustache)

All:

Ben Baloni!

Morgiana :

He meant to kill Alibaba, and maybe the lot of us.  He is no oil merchant but the owner of the cave and he killed Cassim.

Kemal :

Oh, Morgiana, so brave and wonderful!

Morgiana :

We were all deceived until I found not oil but men inside all those jars in the courtyard.  Thirty-eight thieves to be precise and those two funny looking bats.

(Re-enter Slaves and Thieves for …. punch up)

Alibaba :

Oh, Morgiana!  You have saved us all!  How can I ever reward you?

Kemal :

By letting her marry me.  Release her from slavery and let her be my wife.  We have loved each other for such a long time!

Alibaba :

Well, she’s only changing one kind of slavery for another.

Mrs Ali:

Oh, I wish them every joy – I’m so happy!

Alibaba :

Yes, of course, the wedding will be tomorrow and the feast will be tonight.

Kemal :

Oh, Morgiana!

Morgiana :

Oh, Kemal!

Alibaba :

Laughter! Singing! Music! Wine!

Grand Finale

(Chorus: “In Khaladan”)

THE END

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